Chapter45 Ayla IwentanentiredaywithoutseeingThane.Thatthoughtprobablywouldnthavebeensounsettlingifitwasntpostthebestorgasmofmylife.Icouldhavedismissed itasalphaduties,raids,roguesetc.,butCyrushadnoanswerformeastowhyIhadntseenThaneallday.Ashisbeta,hewouldknowiftherewassomethingpackrelatedkeepingThaneaway.Therewasnt.ClearlythethingkeepingThaneawayishimself.Ormeforthatmatter,Ishouldnthavebeensostupid.TrustwassomethingIdidnthavetheluxuryofthrowingout.Iknewbetter,butIdiditanyway.Couldbeoverreacting?P
ossibly.Butmyhearthurtsnonetheless.Icheckmyphoneandwouldntyouknow.Nothing.Notevenacheckuponthetext.Healwayssentthose.Itsblaringlyobviousheregretsthenightoftherun.Icantletmyguarddownagain.
NowIsitonmycouch.Muchthesameaseveryday.Except,todayIndmyselfplotting.Plottingmyescapefromwhat?Heartbreakapparently.Lookingatthefacts,itsobviousIcantjustupandleave.Ihavenowheretogo.Nofamilyleft.Iamtotallyaloneandcompletelyatthemercyofthispack.Ihavetradedonecageforanother.Thisoneisamuchbettercage,dontgetmewrong,butacageregardless.
Iamcurrentlywearingholesinthecarpetfrommyincessantpassing andbitingofmynails.Iambeyondanxious.Ipulloutmyphone,whichnowconsistofthree phonenumbers,Thane, Eric,andCyrus.IshouldprobablygetMonicasaswell.Ipullupamessageandsendittorus.
Me:Canyougetmeoutofmyrooms.IfeellikeIamsuffocatinghere.

Cyrus:HaveyouaskedThanetotakeyousomewhere?Showyouaroundsomemore? Me:No.Idont reallywanttoseehimrightnow.
Cyrus:OhsoIamtheluckyguythatcantakeyouaroundnow?IamgladyoutrustmeAyla.
Me:Idonttrustyou.Idonttrustanyonenow.Ijustneedtoget outandIneedtogetoutnow.
Icanfeelarippleinmy mentalbarrier.Aslightnudge.AramanaisthereIcanjustbarelyfeelher.Ifshewashererightnow,she wouldtakeusfaraway.Ibetshecouldfindsomewherewecouldstartover.Orwecouldjustberogues.Thetwoofus alone.Wesurvivedallofmylast10years.
Shecouldsurviveanything.Wewouldntevenneedapack.Afewdaysonourownandshewouldhaveallofthewolfsurvivalskillsshewouldneed,nottomentionmyotherskillsthatcomefrommytypeofwolf.Atypenoonecanfindoutabout.ThelongerIstayhere,thehigherthelikelihoodofthathappening.

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Aramana I need you .
I need you sobad right now .Ipushintomymind,desperate.Please dont leave mealone anymore .
I cant do this .
Icansenseher,butIcantcontacther.Thereissomethingintheway,Ijustdontknowwhat.
Islidedownthewallofmybedroom.Handsovermyeyes,Ifeelbroken.No,Idontfeel it,Iam.Iambroken.Messedupbeyondrepair.DamagedgoodsthatThanedoesntwant.Nobodywants.Myownwolfdoesntevenwantme.Iamutterlyandcompletelyhelpless,alone.I cantdothisanymore.Icantfeelthiswayanymore Lookingacrosstheroomintothefulllengthmirror,Ishouldseemyself, butIdont.Iseethewarden.Thedisgustingalphasthatdruggedmeandhadtheirwaywithme.Iseemehelplessonthetable,mytraitorousomegabodydoingthingsIdontwantittodo.I seemyselfdraggedfrommycage

,beatenandbroken.Spituponandtormented.Theyareinmythoughts.Behindmyeye lids.Icantescapethemonsters.
Theyownme.Theywillhavemeforever.WhetherIamcagedornot.Iwillneverbefree.
Asob racksthroughmychest, butnotearsfallmyeyes.Theyare close.
Unfortunately,numbnesstakesoverandIfindmyselfstaring,inacatatoniclikestate,relivingonenightmareafteranother.Thisisallmylifewilleverbe.