Chapter33 Ayla Watchingmydoorclose,Islowlyslidtothefloorholdingmylips.Staringatthewallacrossmyroom,allIcanfeelistotalshock.Ijusthadmyfirstkiss.Yearsofabuse,beingkeptinacageshowedmenointimacy.Ihaveneverfelttheloveofanother,neverhadsomeonetocallmyown.Iamtryingtorackmybrainaroundwhatitmeant.Heblameditonhiswolf.DidRonanreallypushhimthathard?Wasitpartoftryingtopullmywolfout?Whyme?CouldIcontinuelivinghere,puttinghimindangerafterthis.Mythoughtswereracing,andguiltfloodedmymind.Istayedthereforawhile,rest
ingmyfingersonmylips.Hislipsweresosoft,onlyabriefsecondIfeltthem,butitfeltamazing.IdecidedthatifIdoendupleaving,IwantedThanetoknowjusthowspecialofagifthegaveme.Tome.IhadasmallmomentwhereIfeltwanted,normal.After24years,Iexperienced thebutterfliesandtheshockofintimacyandifIneverseehimagain,Iwillcarryitforever.Ipulloutmyphoneandsendhimatext.Shortandsweet,tothepoint.
Me:Thatwasmyfirstkiss.
Sittingonthefloorforwhatfeelslikehours,thinking,fretting,Idecideitwouldbebesttolaydownandgetsomerestinthegiantcloudcalledabed.Layingherehowever,hasdonenothingtostopmyoverthinking.CouldIbeworthyofmore?Wouldmymatewant.meaftereverythingIhavebeenthrough.Ihearaknockonthedoor,andbeforeIoverlypanic,IhearEricannouncehimself.Lettinghimin,wetakeaseatonthecouch,andhersetshisbagdownonthetable.Ayla,itsgoodtoseeyourecovering.Youlookevenbetternowthatyourshifterhealinghaskickedin.AlphaThanetellsmethatyourwolft
riedtoreconnect,andIwouldliketotalktoyoualittleaboutthat.Ifthatisokay?Inodmyheadyesinagreementandheproceeds.Iamsureyourememberyourfirstshiftandhowpainfulthatwas?Ithink thatsinceyourwolf hasbeenwithdrawnfortenyears,thatwhensheshifts,you willbeinagreatdealofpain.AlphaThanecanhelptalkyourthroughthepainandshifteasier .Iwillbeonstandbywithsedativesifyoucanthandlethepain.Itwouldonlybeasmallamount,andyoucouldtryagainafterwards,butIwouldlikethattobealastresort .Wecouldalsotrysedatingyoualittletotryandpu

llheroutormaybeshewouldpullyouin.Ithinkifyoumakecontactinyourmind ,thattherewouldbealotofcatchinguptodosotospeak,orthingstodiscussbetweenyoutwobeforeshe surfaces,butultimatelythatwouldbeleftuptoyou.Itwouldbeasupervisedsedationthough.Oneofuswouldbetherewithyou.Inodinagreementtakingineverythingheissaying,mullingoverquestionsandreservationsinmyhead.Youcould L 1/3 Chapter33 alsotrybeingaroundothershifters,intheirwolfform.Thatmayhelpherfeelsafer.IknowthatAlphaThane,asanAlphaofAlphasisabletopullwolves
andforceshifts.Hewouldntforceyou,buttheoptionisthere.AlphaofAlphas?AtitleIhavenotheardbutsomehowseemstoregisterfamiliaritywithme.
Also,weshoulddiscussthepotentialdifficultiesyourwolf facesbeing goneforsolong.Withonlyoneshift,youneverhadtheopportunitytoformabondwithher.Thereisahighprobabilityshecouldeitherbetraumatizedandscaredlikeyouorferal.Withnotcontactandnobond,shecouldposeasafetyrisktoyouandothersaroundyou.Myheart.startsracing,fearflashinginmyfeatures.IknowthatsoundsscaryEricstatesandthenreachesoverandplaceshishandonmine.Thetouchisntunwelcome,butitdoesntsitrightwithmelikeThanesdoes.WewouldntdoanythingtoyourwolfAyla.Ou
rultimategoalwouldbetokeephersafefromherselfandtheotherssafeaswell.Therearethingswecantryifshedoessurfaceferal.Dontbeafraid.
Onemorething,onceyourwolfsurfaces,therewillbeastrongchanceyoucouldsenseamateandthatwouldputyouintoheat.Omegasgointoheatonce theyfindtheirmates.Theheatsarelonger,moreintense,andmorefrequent.Othershiftersgointoheatsacoupletimesayear,dependingonthemoon.Iknowwithyoupastabusethatcouldbedifficultforyou.Itissomethingtothinkabout.Wedontliketosuppressheatsbecauseitcanbeharmfultothebodyandisprettytaboo,butIthinkanexceptioncouldbemade inyourcase.justgiveitsomethought.Inodmyheadyesashestandstoleavemyrooms.
IwillkeepcheckingonwithThane,butIthinkyouvemadeafullphysicalrecover,whichistheeasypart.GoodbyeAyla.

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Ishutthedoorbehindhim,takingintheinformationoverloadagain.Ismymatehere ?ShouldIbeleavingmyroomsinsearchofmyfatedmate?Wouldthereberejection?WouldIwantrejected?IfIgetonemorepieceofinformationtomulloverandfretabout,Imay break.Icrawlintomybedandunder mycovers.Ifeelon thebrinkoftears,but theresnothing .IdontknowhowIcanhavealloftheseemotionsand worries,butyetfeelsonumbinside.Myphone beepsandIquicklylookoutfrommycocoontocheckmymessage,eagertoseehowThanetakestherevelationIputonhim.
Thane:Thankyoufortellingmethat.Ifeelhorribletakingthatfromyou.
Me:Youmayhavetakenit,butIamgladyoudid.IwantyoutoknowthatIwillcarrythatwithmeforever.Nomatterwhat .
Thane:Soundslikeyouretellingmegoodbye.
2/3 Chapter33 Me:No,justinforming.Justincase.

Thane:IwishIwouldhavekissedyouproper.Afirstkissshouldbebutterfliesandpassion.
FearandEuphoriaallinone.Toomuch andnotenough.
Me:Itwasperfect,anditwillstaywithmeforever.
Ineedtokeepmywallsup.TrustisntsomethingIcangiveoutanymore,buthemakesmewantto.Idontwanttofindmymateandbetoodamagedtoreciprocatetheirlove.
TootraumatizedtohandlehistouchesbecauseIcouldhaveapanicattackatanymoment.Thatwouldntbefairtoamate.IfallasleepwonderingifIshouldhavemore.firstsbeforefindingmymate.
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