CHAPTER 054 : Hop In Youcantpossiblybeserious,Isay.Youwanttoleavemeonthisbedallalone? Iexpecthimtolaughinthatdarkwayofhis,sayinggotcha.
ButIseeitinhiseyes.
Heactuallymeansit.
Theresnoteasingglint, notraceofsmugnessormischief.Justthisunreadableflatnesslikehestryingtokeepsomethingburiedundercontrol.
Igriphishand.Yourenotgoinganywhere.
Sloane,listen- No,youlisten.Iveobeyedyoualleveningwhileyoubossedmearoundlikesomewargeneral.Nowitsmyturn.Iyankhishand,firmerthistime.Getonthefuckingbed,Knox.
Thatgetsmeasmilefromhim.
Feisty,hesays.Thatwasstimulating.Doitagain.
Imnotplaying.Ikeepmyhand lockedaroundhis,notbudging.Dontturnthisinto ajoke.
Hissmilelingers,butsomethingchangesbehinditsomethingquieter,morefragile.Notweak,no.Knoxdoesntdoweak.But…afraid? Isthatwhatthisis?Fear? Isteptowardhimandwrapmyarmsaroundhiswaist,restingmyheadagainsthischest.
Whatisit,Knox? Whatiswhat? Youlookkinda…frightened.
Hebreathesin,deep andslow.ButIcanhearit.Thetensionbehindeverybreath.Thepulsebeneathmycheek,toofasttobesteady.
DoI?hemurmurs.
Stophidingthingsfromme.Itsstartingtogetannoying.
Silence.
Hisbreathingfillsthespacebetweenus.Sodoesthepoundinginhischest.
Ihaventsleptbesideanyoneinyears,hefinallysays.
Isqueezehimtighter.Well,wellstartnow.Stopbeingsuchabigbaby.
Apause.Thingscanget…weird.

Ipullbacktolookathim,raisingabrow.Alotweirderthan youalreadyare?Knox,whateveritis,Icanhandleit.Ifitcomes toit,Icanhelptoo.Baddreams?Scaredofthedark?Scaredofmonsters? Dontturnmeintoaproject,hesays,voicelow,likeyoudidwithFinn.
I openmymouth.Shutit.Theresnofast,wittycomebackforthatone.Nocleverdefense.
Instead,Istepbackand pullathishandagain,headingforthebed.
IpromiseIwontturnyou intoaproject,Isay.ButIwilltakethatpromisebackifyoudontliebesideme onthisbed.
Heletsmeguidehimtowardtheedgeofthebed,butbeforeIcanpullhimdownwithme,hehalts.
Notyet.Letmegetready.
Inod,watchingashewalkstohiscloset.Theresthesoftshuffleofhangers,therustleoffabric;andthenhereturns-naked,ofcourse.Hescarryingasmallpileofclothesinonehand.
God.
EverytimeIseehimbare,Iforgethowtobreathe.Thetattoos,thecutofhisbody,theinkacrosshisribsthatcurvesjenoughtomakemeache.EachlinelookslikeitwasearnednotjustetchedTheresastorybehindallofthem,certainly.Someday,Illaskhim.
Successfullyunlocked! Hepullssomethingfromthepileandtossesitatme.AsoftblackTshirt.
Canthaveyousleepingnaked.
Whynot?Iask,smirking.
1/3 CHAPTER054:HopIn Buthesalreadywalkingintothebathroomandshuttingthedoorbehindhim.
Ipulltheshirtovermyheadandslideunderthecovers.Hisscentisalreadyembeddedinthesheetswarm,musky,clean.
Iglancearoundtheroom.Everypartofmewantstosnoop,tofindsomeclueaboutthismanIstillknowsolittleabout.ButIfighttheurge.
Instead,Igrabmyphone.
OnemessagefromFinn.
Whereareyou? Ihesitatebeforetyping.Somethingcameup.Illseeyouinthemorning! Theshowerturnsoninthebathroom.
Anothermessagelightsup.Youleft? Yeah.Hadtotakecareofsomething.
Asecondpasses.

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Takecareofmybrother,youmean.Yourewithhimrightnow,arentyou? Idont answer.Finnalwaysmanagestomakeeverythingabouthisbrother.HemustrealizeImgettingpissedoff,becauseanothermessagecomesin.
Sorry.Thatcameoutwrong.Ijustwishyouwerehere,thatsall.
Iexhale.Typefast.
Illseeyoutomorrowbeforeyougetdischarged.AndbythewayIknowyouthrewyourselfdownthosestairs togetme tocome.Nicework,asshole.Andcamerasinmyroom?Yourereallybecomingapsychopath.
Apause.
IdiditbecauseImissyou.
Ilockthephone.Setitonthebedbeside me.
Thewater inthebathroomstops.
Anotherpinglightsupthescreen.Iglancedown.
Goodnight,Sloane.Nomatterhowmuchyouhurtme,Istillloveyou.
Istareatthemessageforawhile,exhalingthroughmynose,beforesettingthephoneonthenightstand.
Finn.
WhatthehellamIgoing to doabouthim? Iveknownhimforquiteawhile.HesbeeninmycornerforthingsevenIforgotIwentthrough.Throughcollegebullshit,missedbirthdays,postcollegebreakdowns,dumbideashewasalwaysthere.Andnomatterhowtwistedthingshavegottenlately,somepartofmestillcaresabouthim.Maybenotthewayhewantsmeto,thewaythatinvolvesleavinghisbrother.Maybenoteveninahealthyway.Butitsthere.Embeddedinthehistorywe built together,likepermanentinkbeneathskin.
ButIcantpretendanymore.
Notafterthecloset.
Notafter thecameras.
Hesnotjustspiralinghesdetonating.AndifIlethimkeepunraveling,ifIlooktheotherway,itllbemeholdingthe threadwhenhefinallyfallsapartforgood.
AndIcanttrustKnoxtohelp.
HehatesFinn.

AndIdontblamehim.Ireallydont.
Datingonebrotherwhiletheotherwhosmy friendisactivelycrashingthroughhisownlifelikeaonemanwreckingballbecauseofthatrelationship?Itsalogisticalnightmare.Anemotionalonetoo.Imean,whothehellliveslikethis?ImnotevensurewhichoneofthemImmoreworriedaboutatthispointFinn,whosreadytodoanythingtogetmeback,nox,who wasthisclosetobreakinghisbrothersarminthehospitalbecauseofme.
Finnmightbeawalkingredflagrightnow,buthesnotavillain.Hesjust…broken.Inawaythatsfamiliar.InawayIusedtothinkIcould fix.
Buthesalsomanipulative.Reckless.Selfishwhenheshurting.Heweaponizesemotioninthewayonlysomeonewhoknowsallyoursoftspotscan.Andworse,hescleveraboutit.ThatstherealdangerFinnsneverneededfiststoruinsomething.Heusesguilt.Useslove.Useshistory.
CHAPTER054:HopIn AndifIdontdosomethingsoonifIlet himkeepoperatingonwhateverderangedlogicisfuelinghim1wontjustlose him.
Helllosehimself.
AndIcantletthathappen.
Notingoodconscience.
NotwhenIstillremembertheboywhousedtosleeponmydormroomfloorjusttomakesureIdidntcryaloneafterapanicattack.
ButIalsocantlethimdestroytheonlythingthats mademefeelgroundedinalongtime.IcantleaveFinnalonetohisdevices.
Finnandhisdeviceshaveneverledtoanythingbuttrouble.
Andnowthathespullingstuntsthatinvolvehospitalbedsandsecurityviolations,Icantaffordtohopehellmagicallychangecourse.
Hewont.
Notunless someoneforceshimto.
Andthatsomeonemighthavetobeme.
Thebathroomdoorcreaksopen.
Knoxstepsout,nowdressedinablackshirtandloosegreypajama pants.Hishairisdamp.
Yourestillawake?heasks.
YouthoughtIwasgonnasleepandletyousneakoffsomewhere?Ipatthespacebesideme.Hopin.
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