CHAPTER 048 : Me.Myself .
And My Desires Isetmybagdownonthecouchandsinkintotheseat.
Momturnssideways.Hereyesaresoftbutexpectant.Waitingforsomething.
Ananswer.
Apromise.
Amiracle,maybe.
Meetsomeonenew.
Likeitsthatsimple.
LikeIlljustshowuptothismagicalbarbecue,beamadazzlingsmileatsomeguy,andhellbeTheOne.
Aperfectsuburbanfantasy.
God.
Theworstpartis… Iknowshesnotcompletelywrong.
Beingwith Knoxmightbedangerous.Themanhimselfisadanger.Icanfeeliteverytimehe looksatmewiththoseeyes-heavyliddedandfullofpromisesthatdontlookanythinglikegoodintentions.
Hesintosomethingdark;thatsforsure.Icanfeelitinmybones.
Somethinghewonttalkabout.
AndIveseenenoughmoviestoknowhowthisgoes.
Itsalwaysthegirlfriendwhoendsupkidnapped bythemaincharactersrival,drownedinabathtub,orshotthroughtheheartinadrivebybecauseshelovedthewrongman.
ButKnoxneverpretendedhewasgood.
Notonce.
AndI… Iacceptedthat.
Iwantedthat.
Maybethatstherealproblem.Me.Myself.Andmydesires.
Ijustwishtheydletmemakemybaddecisionsinpeace.
Momsreallybentonmakingupforlosttime,tryingtosqueezeherselfintospacessheleftemptyforyears.
Andnaturally,inanyothersituation,Iwouldveeatenitup.
Playedtheroleofthevulnerabledaughterwhoneededsaving.
Letherfussoverme.
Letherbelieveshecouldfixwhatsheneverstuckaroundlongenoughtounderstand.

Butrightnow? IneedthemtobelieveImfinereally,genuinelyfinebeforethisspiralsintosomethingbigger.
Beforetheystartplanninginterventionsor,worse,draggingDadintoit.
Momshiftsagain.
Sloane?shesays,pullingmebackfromwherevermyheadhadwandered.
Iliftmygaze.
Forceasmile.
Iappreciatetheconcern,Isaysoftly.Really.ButImfine.AndIknowwhatIwant.
Momsmouthtightens,herlipspressingtogetherinthatwayshealwaysdoeswhenshesbitingbackathousandargumentsallatonce.
Successfullyunlocked! Serena,sensingthegatheringstorm,busiesherselfatthecounter.
Shepullsopenthetakeoutbagwithexaggeratedcare,layingoutcartonsandcrinklednapkinslikeshesacontestantonacookingshow.
Momexhalesthroughhernose.
Illonlybelieveyourefineifyoucometothebarbecueandkeepyourmindopen,shesays.Youdontgoout,Sloane.You 1/4 CHAPTER048:Me.Myself.AndMyDesires dont meetpeople.AllyouveeverknownisFinn.Finnledyoutohisbrother,whosjustanotherFinn,orworse.How wouldyouevenknowwhatyouwantifyouvenevergivenanyoneelseachance? Iblinkather.
Sowhat?Iask,keepingmyvoiceeven.Youreaskingmetosneakaroundbehindmyboyfriendsbackandexploremyoptions? Imaskingyoutocometothebarbecueandsmileatafewdecentguys.Smilingandhavingaconversationdoesntqualifyascheating,doesit? Iscoff,lookingdownatmyhands,tracingaseamonmypants.
Theintenttokeepmymindopenqualifiesascheating.
Andsowhatifyoucheat?Momfires back,alittlesharpernow.Youthinkamanlikethatisbeingfaithful? Nowshesjustputtingideasinmyhead.
Ishefaithful? Thatmorninginhissuitewhenhedemandedexclusivitywasthatsupposedtobeforbothofus?Orjustforme? Iwontshareyou,Sloane.
Thats whathesaid.
NotWewontshareourselveswithothers.
NotYouremineandImyours.
JustIwontshareyou.
ShouldIhavesaidsomething? ShouldIhavemadesomekindof declaration too? OrwasIsobusyfallingaparteverytimehetouchedmethatIforgottoaskforthe basics? God.
Ipushtomyfeet,needingtomove,tobreathe.
نه Iwalkovertothe counterwhereSerenasarrangingourtakeoutdinner.
Ijoin herwordlessly,pretendingImnot dyinginside,pretendingImnotseriouslyconsideringhowmuchsimplermylifewouldbeif Ijustgaveupnow.
IfIjustpickedsafe.
Normal.
Boring.
Imnotachildanymore,Mom,Isayovermyshoulder.

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Thatsthepoint,baby,shereplies.Yourenot.Nows notthetimetobedeveloping some rebelliousteenagespirit.Youre afullgrownwoman.Youshouldbemakingadultdecisions.Exploringdangerisforkids.Look atSerena.Nathansabouttoproposeanydaynow.
IglanceatSerena.
ShesgrinninglikethedamnCheshireCat,enjoyingmyslowmeltdown waytoomuch.
Theworstpartis… Theywontstop.
Notuntiltheygettheirway.
AndifDadjoinsinlater,itllbeanalloutemotionalwarzone.
Bettertoendthisnow.
Givethem theillusiontheyvewon.
Fine,Isay,settingdownthestackofnapkinswitha heavysigh.Illcometothebarbecue.Illkeepmymindopen.
Momsfacebrightens instantly.
ThatsallImaskingfor.
Wesettlearoundmytinydiningtable,eyessetonourpasta,breadsticks,andmeatballs.Thescentoftomatosauceandgarlicfills theroom.
Momchatsabouthershopaboutanewflowerarrangementshestryingtomarketto hipsterweddingvenues.
Serenagossipsaboutherfriendscheatingboyfriend.
2/4 CHAPTER048:MeMyself.AndMyDesires Ismile.
Inod.
IsipfromtheglassofwineSerenaunearthedfromthekitchenshelfIhidemystash.
Butdeepdown,Imsomewhereelse.
Withamanwhokeepsaguninhisgloveboxlikeitsjustanotheraccessory.
Withamanwhochangedthelocksonmydoorwithoutasking.
Withamanwholetmy formerbestfriendhideinmyclosetwhilehefuckedmeagainstitliketheworldwasending.
WithamanwhocallsmeBunnyinavoicethatmakesmybonesturntodust.
Iswirlthewineinmyglass,watchingitcatchthelight,spinningpalegold.
CouldIreallyevermeetsomeoneelse? Someonesafe? Someoneeasy? Someonewhodidntfeellikeafusereadytobeliteverytimehelookedatme? CouldIpretendIhaventalreadymademychoice? BecausenomatterhowdangerousKnoxHartleymightbe… Nomatterhowmanywarningsandredflagscomeslappingmeintheface- Partofmealreadybelongstohim.
Andnormal? Normalsoundsboring.
Normalsoundsdead.
~~~ Lateratnight,Ilieinbed,staringupattheceilingfanasitturnsslow,lazycirclesabovemyhead.
Aweekago,thiswouldhavebeenthepartwhereIcalledFinn.

Toldhimaboutmyday.
Rantedaboutbeingambushedbymymotherand sister.
HedgivesomehalfassedadvicethatsomehowalwayscircledbacktoDelilah,becauseofcourseitdid.
AsmuchasIhatehimrightnow- Imissthat.
Imissbeingabletocallsomeone.
Tounloadwithoutthinkingabouthowmywordsmightcome backtoburn me.
AndIcantexactlycall Knoxandsay, Hey,babe,Iagreedtogoflirtwithstrangersthisweekendbecausemyfamilythinksyoureagangster.Justkeepingmymindopenlikemy momsuggested.Hope youdontmind! Yeah.
Nothappening.
ButFinn… Hecausedthis.Hedeservesapieceofmymind.
Ifnothingelse.
Hedoesntgettosneakintomylifeanymoreandpretendlikeitsokay.
Igrabmyphoneoffthenightstandanddial.
Thelinebarelyringsbeforehepicksup.
Likehesbeen waiting.
Yousonofabitch,Isay,nopreamble.Whatthehellwereyoudoinginmyapartmenttoday? Sloane,hebreathesout.Hisvoicecracksalittle.OhmyGod.Itssogoodtohearfromyou.
Thefeelingisnotmutual,Finn.Imcallingtotellyoutosaveyourselfthetroubleofsneakinginanymore.Ivechangedthelocks.Thenext timeIseeyoulurkingaround,Imcallingthecops.
Sloane,hesaysagain,andthistimehisvoiceisthicklikehesholdingbacktears.Imsorry.Ijust…Imissyou.Imissmy CHAPTER048:Me,Myself.AndMyDesires bestfriend.
Why?DidDelilahdump you already? This hasnothingtodowithher,hesays,pained.Ijustwantedtoseeyou.Surpriseyou.IswearIdidntmeantodoanythingwrong.Andthenyoucamehomewith…him.AndIpanicked.
Andyouhidinmyclosetlikeapsychopath.
Ididntwanttoruinit.Youlookedhappy.IthoughtifImadenoise,ifIinterrupted- Soyouthoughtwatchingwasabetteroption? Silence.
Imsorry,Sloane,hesays.Idontcareifyourewithmybrothernow.Ijustwantmyfriendback.
Itstoolate,Finn.
Theresabeat.
Andthen- Iminthehospital.
What? Iwascrossingthe street.Acarcameoutofnowhere.Ibrokemyarmandhadaconcussion.Theyrekeepingmehereforalittlewhiletomonitorme.
Iboltuprightinbed,heartslammingintomyribs.
Whathospital?Idemand,alreadyswingingmylegs overtheside.