CHAPTER 033 : Say My Name *** ~~FINN~~ *** Tobehonest,thewordssoundedalotbetterinmyheadwhenIformedthem.
Theresa differencebetweenplanningtheperfect conversation andactuallyspeakingitout loud.Sloaneseyesarelockedonmenow,narrowed.IdbeensearchingforthecleanestwaytohonorKnoxsdeal,becauseIknowmybrotherhesunhinged,andhe meant everywordhesaid.SoIhavetodothis.LetSloanego.Evenifitsjustfornow .
Knoxsobsessionsdontlast long.Theyburnbrightand fast,andthentheyre gone.Hellmoveon.IllgetSloaneback.AndDelilahDelilahwillbemineonceagain.Thatshowthisplaysout.Thatshowitssupposedtoplayout.
ButI cantdoit.
Icant.
ThemomentIpictureSloanenotspeakingtome,notsittingbesideme,nottextingmetotell mehowstupidIam,notlookingatmelikeImstillsomekindofgooditsliketheairsbeensuckedoutofthecar.Mychesttightens.Mybreathshortens.Shesbeenmyonlyrealfriendforyears.The oneconstant.Theonlythingthatsevermadesense.IfIloseher ,whatthehell doIhaveleft? Ibegyourpardon? shesays.
Thisisthemoment.Mycuetodoubledown,makeitmessy,burnitallsoIcanwalkawayclean.Thatwastheplan.Getangry.Accuseherofbeingdishonest.BreakthefriendshipandfreeherforKnoxto devour.
Only…Icant.
Myfingerstapnervouslyonthesteeringwheel.Mythroatisdry.ThewordsIwassupposedtosayarenow chokingme.
I…uh,Istart, thenstop.Thatdidntcome outright.Imsorry.
Noshit,Finn.Iwasjustabouttoaskyou tostop the car.
Ichuckle,attemptingtobreakthetension.Itsmymom,Isay.Shementionedit.Itoldhershewaswrong, butitsbeenstuckinmyheadforawhile.Imeanttoaskyou.Just…didntknowhow.
YourmomtoldyouI wanttogetinyourpants? IwinceatthemistakeofaddingMomintothis.Yeah.
Andyoubelievedherenoughtoaskme?IfIminlovewithyou?IfIwanttoscrewyou? Well,itsnotlikeIaskedanyquestionIdontknowtheanswerto.
Ivealwaysknown.
Sincethedayshesatnexttomeinthateconomicslecture,claimingshegottheroomwrong.Ididntbelieveher.Notforasecond.Beforethat,Idseenhereverywhere.Inthehallwayoutsidemyjournalismclass.InthelibrarywhenIstudiedlate.AteverycampuseventIattended,alwayshoveringafewfeetaway.Idcatchherglancingoverherglasses,thenduckingherheadlikeshedidntwanttobeseen.Shewasstalkingme.Thisstrangegirlwithherbangsandglasseswasmycollege stalker.
Atfirst,ithadannoyedme.Thenit startedtoamuseme.Mostgirlswhocrushedon mewereloudaboutit.Also,theywerentoverlyintelligentnerdswhoconstantlyhadtheirnosesstuckinabook.Whenshepretendedtomissherwayanddroppedintoaseatbesidemethedayweofficiallymet,Irememberthinking,whatthehell,mightaswellkeepheraround.Butsheturnedouttobefunny.Sharptonguedwhenshewantedtobe.Brutalinherhonesty.AndshehatedeverysinglepersonIhungoutwith,especiallytheonesItooktobed.Thatalonewasentertainingenoughtokeepherclose.
Soyeah,Iknewshehadfeelingsforme.Isaw it.Iwasntblind.ThewayshelookedatmewhenshethoughtIwasntpayingattention.Thewayshedrollhereyesatwhatevergirlwasclingingtomethatweek.Ijusthopedshednever sayitoutloud.ThatIdneverhavetosaynoandwatchourfriendshipcrackopendownthemiddle.
Evennow,Idontwantthisrelationshiptoend.
Icantimaginelifewithouther.Withoutherdrywit.Herjudgmentaleyebrows.Heroddlytimedtexts.Withouther.
Ofcourseyouloveme,Isay,tryingtosoundpravteThatsthewayofthings.

frieontloveeachother?Iloveyou .Youloveme.
Successfullyunlocked! Shedoesntrespond.Mydamagecontrolisntworking.
Iadd,Itwasstupidofmetoask.Mymomjustputtheseweirdthoughtsinmyhead,andIletitgettome.Imsorry.
Icanfeelherstaringatthesideofmyface,eyescuttingthrougheverylie.
1/3 CHAPTER033:SayMyName Butsheletsitgo.
Todaywasalongday,shesays.
Itwas.
Icantwaittogetonplanetomorrow.
Metoo.
Shehesitates,thensays,DoesthismeanyouvegivenuponDelilah? Theanswerissimple.
No.
Delilahislightninginabottle.Theresnooneelselikeher.Noclones.Nodoppelgangers.Andyeah, shestoxic.ButIvetastedherchaos,andIwantit.Icraveit.Whoeverexperiencesherwouldunderstandwhy.
ButIcantsaythattoSloane.
Ithinkso,Isayinstead.Shesmadeherchoice.Wellbetheretomorrowtocelebratewith her,wishherahappymarriage.
Sloanehums.Shedoesntbelieveme.
Therestoftherideisquiet.Istareattheroad.Shestaresatthewindow.Thesilencebetweenusisheavy.Everybumponthe roadshakessomethingloosein me.Panic.
Idontwanttoloseher.
ButIalreadyagreedto.
Knoxisntbluffing.Heneveris.IfIdontgivehimspacetopursueher,hellruinmyplanswithDelilah.ButhowdoImakeSloanestayawayfrommewithoutherknowingImpushingher? HowdoImakeKnoxbelieveIveendedthings?Therehastobeawaytofakethe distance.Justenoughtolethimmakehismove.JustenoughtogetDelilahback.
Wepullintothedriveway,andbeforeIcaneventurnofftheengine,shesoutofthecar andwalkingfasttowardthehouse.Ifollow,steppingintothewarmthof thefoyer,wheremyfatherisflippingthroughamensmagazine.
Hopeyoudidntwreckthecar,hesayswithoutlookingup.
Ididnt.ButifIdid,Imsureyoudjustgetanewone.

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Ohno,hereplies.Youwreckanythingof minenow,yourepayingforit.Welcometoadulthood.
Noted,Dad.Goodnight.
Finn,hecallsafterme,youmightbean adult,butIdontcondonesexundermyroof.
Ifreezehalfwayupthestairs.What? Youandyourfriend,hesays.Nosexinthishouse.
Ijuststandthere,staringatthebackofhishead.Idonthave theenergytoargue.
Iclimbtherestofthestairsinsilence,passingSloanesroomonmy waytomine.ButthenIhesitate.Ihaventsaidgoodnight.
Ipush openthedoor.
Sloane? Shesthere.Coatoff.Dresshalfwayunzipped.Herchestbare.
Finn,whatthehell!sheshouts.
Ishutthedoorandpracticallyfleedownthehall,tryingnottothinkaboutthefact thatIjustsawhernaked.
~~~ Isleeplikeshit.Itsdifficulttogetagoodrestwhenyouredreamingaboutendingthingswithyourbestfriend.
Iwakejustafterfivea.m.
Imgoingtofixthis.Sloanejustneedstostayawayfrommeduringthewedding.JustenoughtoletKnoxruinthings.ImsureifItalktoher intherightmanner,shelldoitforme.
Igrabthehousessparekeysandmyphonefromthenightstand.
Leavingmyroom,IheadforSloanesroom,carefulnottomaketoomuchnoiseinthehallway.Momsalightsleeper.
IreachSloanesdoor.Locked,asexpected.
Itwouldbepointlesstoknock.Shesleepslikeacorpseandisntduetowakeupforatleastanothertwohours.
Ipickakeyandtwist.
CHAPTER033.Say MyName The roomisdark.Iwaitformyeyestoadjust,thenmovetothebed,sit,andshinemyphonesscreenonherface.
Shesstillasleep,curledonthebed.Mouthslightlyopen.Noglasses.Hairamess.SometimesIforgethowdifferentshelookswiththeglassesoff.
Tobehonest,IdontknowwhyImhere.

Ibrushafingerthroughherhair.
Sheshifts.Whisperssomething.Ialmostdontcatchit.
Knox.
Mystomachtwists.
Iturnonthebedsidelamp.Climbunderthecovers.Liebesideher.
ItsFinn,Iwhispertoherface.Ifyouregoingtosayanameinyoursleep,saymine.
Shedoesntstir.
ThatswhenIrealizeshesnaked.
Iliftthe blanket,justalittle,moreoutofinstinctthanintention.AndsuddenlyIcantlookaway.
Myeyes traveloverherskin.
Herbreastsaresoft,flushedfromtheheatofsleep,theswellofthemrisingwitheverybreath.Herstomachissmooth,delicate,thekindofsoftnessthatmakesyouwanttotraceitwithyourmouthjusttoseeifsheshivers.Herhipscurveoutfromherwaist,bareand warmandsoclosetome.Icanfeeltheheatradiatingoffherskin.
Mythroatgoesdry.Somethingtightenslowinmygut.
Andthensomethingelsestirsslow,dark,undeniable.AnacheImnotproudof.
Mybodyreactsanyway.Iclenchmyjaw, shuttingmyeyes,tryingtoforceitdown.Tryingtotell myselfthatthis isntthetime.ThatthisisnthowIwanttorememberher.ThatIshouldntbelookingatherlikethis.
Ilowertheblanket,swallowinghard,andpullitgentlyoverheragainshieldingherfromme.
ThenIgatherhercloser,drawingherheadtomychest.
listentoherbreathing.Itrytomatchit.Itrytopretendmyheartisntracing.
AndItryevenhardertoforgethowmuchofherIjustsaw.AndhowmuchIwantedmore.
I dontevenrealizeIvedriftedoffuntilIfeelsomeoneshakingmeawake.
IopenmyeyestoSloanefrowningdownatme,theentire blanketwrappedaroundherlikearmor.
Howdidyougetin?shesays.
Andwhatareyoudoinghere?